Oh man are you guys in luck. On occasion, I have a lot of sittin' around time. Usually I spend it pondering legitimate things, but occasionally I will stumble on a major intellectual advancement of epic proportions. This totally happened the other day, and now I'm compelled to share it with the world. As a preface, this might just be the most important discovery of 2009 as of yet (25 days into 2009).
It begins with Star Wars.
Star Wars is perhaps the greatest series of movies ever made ever. With the exception of that whole Jar Jar Binks bullshit, Star Wars has something for everyone to enjoy such as space, death, furry animals and of course, people with magic fucking powers. These people are known as Jedi, and in case you don't know, Jedi are super cool and also awesome. They pretty much run around fighting/creating crime, killing shit with light swords and being celibate - all with the aid of their special powers.
If you were never a kid, you might not understand how awesome super powers are: thus the allure of Jedi. Basically, next to the idea of bottomless Snak Packs and moon boots, the thought of having magic powers is just about the sweetest thing you can imagine. So, for those of you who were either soul-less children or home schooled, here is a brief yet concise overview of some of the major manifestations of super powers:
Flight: This is a fairly popular super power. It is picked mostly by kids who get beat up a lot or kids who just like to wear capes.
Clairvoyance: This power is more common among the female population. It allows insight into what your little bitch friends really think of your scrunchies, and also what little boys think of you. As it turns out, most little boys don't think about girls at all and devote almost all of their intellectual energy to the idea of having ...
Super Strength: This power has been popularized by such comic book heroes as The Hulk and Superman. Boiled down: it is cool to break shit.
X-Ray Vision: This is for horny kids and horny kids only.
Moving Stuff With Your Mind: In my opinion, this is for the lazy kids. I'd like to think that actually getting up to fetch my beer (or juice box in this context) is what keeps me in tip-top shape.
Now that we've reviewed powers, let us get back to Jedi. Now, the Jedi's powers are caused by these things called midichlorians. Apparently, the more midichlorians you have, the more powers you have. It's kind of the same thing as a sperm count, only for your whole body instead of just your ballz.
But there is another group of people aside from Jedi who measure magic power levels in the body. And this community isn't even in the Star Wars Universe. They're right in your own backyard.
Scientologists are deeply concerned with midichorean levels - only they call them "Thetan levels." But it's the same fucking thing. They measure them constantly and are obsessed.
Bottom line: Scientologists are wannabe Jedi.
End.
